Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just high enough for therapy.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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