If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
