im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
