i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
