I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
