I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
