Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
