she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
