tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
