DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize