She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
