Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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