I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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