You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
