I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
