Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
