apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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