you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
