We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
