Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
