I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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