it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
