I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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