don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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