what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
