Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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