wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize