actually, I'm a sock model
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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