haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize