I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
