i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
