omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So squirting runs in the family.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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