I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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