Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
