True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
