I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
