I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Randomize
