when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
