K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
