I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I think I won the penis lottery.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
