you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
