I wish I could teleport
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
