I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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