He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
