we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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