it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
