Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
