I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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