I wish I could punch you in the face.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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