I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
