I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
