Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
