I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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