If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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