Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize