The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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