Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
please don't ironically join a cult
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