her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
