I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
