I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
